safn af bröndurum sem ég hef haft á blogginu hjá mér..
sem og nokkur "Q and A"
Fjölskyldan sat við matarborðið á sunnudagskvöldi.
"Pabbi, hvað eru margar gerðir af kvenmannsbrjóstum til"?
Spurði sonurinn allt í einu.
"Þær eru þrjár, sonur sæll.
Þegar að konan er á þrítugsaldri eru brjóst hennar eins og melónur,
kringlótt og stinn.
Á fertugs- og fimmtugsaldrinum
eru þau eins og perur, enn falleg er farin að lafa svolítið.
Þegar að konan er komin yfir fimmtugt þá má líkja brjóstum hennar við lauka."
"Lauka" ? "Já, þú horfir og þú grætur" !
Smáþögn. ..
"Mamma, getur þú sagt mér hve margar tegundir ef tippum eru til"
spurði dótturin.
Mamman brosti, leit á eiginmann sinn og sagði:"
Maðurinn gengur í gegnum þrjú stig.
Þegar að hann er á þrítugsaldri er limur hans eins og eik, öflugur og harður.
Á fertugs- og á fimmtugsaldri er hann eins
og birki, sveigjanlegur en traustur og þegar að hann er kominn yfir
fimmtugt má líkja honum við jólatré!"
"HA, jólatré ?"
"Já hann þornar hratt upp og kúlurnar eru bara til skrauts.
Nonni litli opnaði dyrnar að hjónaherberginu og sá að pabbi lá á bakinu og mamma hossaði sér uppi á honum.
Um leið og mamma kom auga á Nonna hætti hún, klæddi sig og fór fram.
Þegar Nonni sá hana sagði hann " Hvað voruð þið pabbi eiginlega að gera?
" Ja, þú veist hvað hann pabbi þinn hefur stóran maga ...
og ég þarf stundum að hjálpa honum við að fletja hann niður! " sagði mamma.
" Það er algjör tímasóun hjá þér " sagði Nonni litli og brosti.
"Af hverju segirðu það " spurði mamma ringluð.
"Af því að alltaf þegar þú ferð í Kringluna á fimmtudögum
þá kemur konan í næsta húsi, fer niður á hnén og blæs pabba upp aftur!"
A young fellow ran into an old man who was carrying a bag.
"What's in the bag?" the youngster asked.
"magic apples", the old man replied.
"Prove it", said the young man.
"Well, besides apples, what is your favorite two fruits?" asked the old man.
"Watermelon and peaches", he answered.
The man handed him an apple and told him to try it out. The boy took a bite and said that it tasted like a watermelon. "OK, turn it over", he said.
The boy did and took another bite and said that it tasted like a peach.
The youngster still wasn't convinced that they were magic.
The old fellow told him to name something else that he liked to eat.
"I like to eat pussy." he snapped.
The man handed him another apple and told him to try it.
He took a big bite, spit it out, wiped his mouth and exclaimed, "That tasted like shit".
The old man looked at him, smiled and said, "Turn it over."
Q: Why does Bugs Bunny always outsmart Daffy Duck?
A: Because Daffy Duck is black.
Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them...
Q: What would happen if you cut off your left side?
A: You would be all right.
Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A: A baby.
A die-hard LSU fan, Joe amuses himself by scaring every opponent fan he would see strutting down the side
of the road in their obnoxious team colors. He would swerve his car as if to hit them,
and then he would swerve back on the road just before hitting them.
One day, as he was driving along headed to Tiger Stadium, he saw a priest walking on the side of the road.
He thought he would do a good thing and pull over to offer him a ride. He asked the priest "Where are you going, Father?"
"I'm going to give Mass at St. Joseph's Church" replied the priest. "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in!"
The priest climbed into the back seat, and Joe continued down the road. Suddenly,
Joe saw an opposing team fan strutting down the side of the road, and instinctively,
he swerved as if to hit him. But as usual, just in time, he swerved back to the road, barely missing the guy.
Even though he was certain he missed the guy, he still heard a loud "THUD."
Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors, but he didn't see anything.
He then remembered the priest in the back seat, and turned to him and said
"I'm sorry, Father, I almost hit that Auburn fan." "That's OK" replied the priest. "I got him with the door."
There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building.
He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself,
so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him,
but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.
First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I"
then pointed at his knees (meaning "need),
and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.
Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.
The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy,
"You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."
The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."
An old man was sitting on a bench at the local shopping center.
A young man walked up and sat down next to him. He had spiked hair in different colors;
green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.
The old man just stared at him. The young man turned to him and said sarcastically,
"What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and fucked a parrot.
I was just wondering if you were my son."
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed,
he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife,
"Listen this guy's an escaped convict - look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail
and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist,
don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.
He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too."
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look
by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in
the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to
take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We
went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was
one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because
she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play
tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"
I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're
just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy
your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she
was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and
not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either
"Hello, is this the FBI?" "Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes,
they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left.
The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.
"Hey Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Merry Christmas Buddy"
Q: Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
A: Cause if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels.
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says,
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really really heavy"
There is a White family, a black family, a jewish family and a german family. They all have white mothers.
They all have children on the same day and are at the hospital.
The babies all turn out white and the doctor forgets to put their name tags on so they don't know whose baby is whose.
The white man says... ill be able to tell which baby is mine! So he goes in and tries to figure it out.
He comes out and doesn't know. The black man says he will try but fails as well, and so does the Jewish man.
Finally the German man says he knows he can tell. He walks in and says "All hail hitler."
The German baby salutes, the Jewish baby craps his pants, and the white baby makes the black baby clean it up.
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus,
went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said,
"Look mate, don't ever do that again.
You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said,
"I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much.
"The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault.
Today is my first day as a cab driver.
I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
Q: Why is Snoop Dogg such a good sculptor?
A: Because he knows how to chizzle.
Two families move from Pakistan to America.
When they arrive the two fathers make a bet
- in a year's time whichever family has become more American will win.
A year later they meet again: The first man says,
"My son is playing baseball, I had McDonalds for breakfast and
I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud, how about you?"
The second man replies, "Fuck you, towelhead."